Understanding Trumpton

Deep under the Swiss-French border, somewhere near Geneva, lies a 27km long tunnel based 100 meters underground better known as the Large Hadron Collider. Many fear the experiments due to be carried out this summer may create miniature black holes, which will eventually grow to such a size they will swallow the Earth and much of the Solar System. These people are obviously mentalists, the sort who thirty years ago wandered around outside train stations with sandwich boards strapped around them advising ‘The End Is Nigh’ or ‘Repent and Ye Shall Be Saved’. These days the happy world of Internet conspiracy theories seems to keep them occupied, and more importantly away from the general population. My theory on these black holes is based on sounder scientific principles guesswork.

According to Stephen Hawking (and if I were him I’d use my intelligence to cure my ALS and learn to walk again rather than mess about with quantum physics) black holes can be used to travel in time. As Einstein helpfully pointed out, if time travel were possible we would be inundated with visitors from the future. However Einstein forgot to factor in the Heybridge Principle, where travellers are less likely to visit a place the further away it is from a train station (or black hole, in Essex one and the same…). What these potential time travellers have been waiting for is a convenient black hole to travel to. And where could be more convenient than here, on Earth?

Of course these won’t be your common or garden time travellers either. The only travellers equipped to travel back to the first available date would be those with the most advanced technology, a super race evolved from humans millions of years in the future, unrecognisable to us even as our future selves. Apart from the obvious problem of travelling back in time, the main problem would be actually communicating with each other. They would see us as we see ants. A basic social structure and rudimentary communication systems, but it all seems to be more of a means to an end rather than a communal effort to attain higher learning.

Their arrival will undoubtedly have a major effect on all our lives, as governments across the world are reorganised and streamlined towards the advancement of humanity rather than individual greed. Some of the teachings of these vastly superior beings will go over the heads of even the most intelligent contemporary scientists of our time. One such revelation will concern our Universe and in particular how many spacial dimensions it contains. Apparently we have overestimated slightly. It seems we do not exist in a multidimensional Universe, or even the three dimensions we seem to operate in. The number of dimensions we exist in is one. Laymen and intellectuals are baffled as one. The laws of physics tend to strongly favour and give an unfair advantage to anything that features one dimension.

In South West London several thousand Wimbledon supporters smiled knowingly upon hearing the news and now fully understood those bitter trips to the Beaveree…

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