It seems strange to still be writing about the Bromley game so close to Hampton. If anything the massive deflection of attention has taken the pressure off, at least as far as I’m concerned. Even yesterdays match report was written with my hands, at times, still trembling with rage (which will explain the spelling mistakes at least…).
Another football club took the piss, to use a popular term, and I’m having a great amount of difficulty allowing that to go without comment (then further comment…).But first,buried in the middle of the second paragraph, an apology. In The Anonymous Don’s match report of the Bromley game, I made repeated reference to the role played by Bromley assistant coach Murray Jones in ‘the incident’. It now turns out Jones was in Amsterdam with some young boys for the weekend (hmmmmmmmmmmmm…) and has returned home to find his reputation in tatters after just about every media source claimed it was he who was responsible. Including me, but then I only got my information from the Bromley match programme of all places, who must have been aware weeks before the printing deadline that Jones was on a jolly up.
The real villain was Bromleys Del Parnham, who according to Mark Goldberg ‘…usually works in the football in the community project…”. In other words Parnham is the guy in charge of fetching the Diamond White from the off licence for a bunch of 14 year old pikeys, in response for their turning up at the game on a Saturday now and then. I could have corrected my mistake before I’d even made it had I paid more attention to Dave Anderson on the Non-League Show on Monday night. Not for the first time I failed to catch his words for his accent… the last time cost me about ten cigarettes.
During the World Cup group game between England and Sweden at the last World Cup, I found myself sitting directly behind Anderson watching the game on the big screen. Shortly after kick off, Dave turned round and asked me for a cigarette. Only I thought, bearing in mind he was right in front of me and would block the screen every time he got up, he had said ‘Do you mind if I take a piss again?’. So like an idiot, I said ‘Sure, Dave, take as many as you like’…
So, back to Bromley. Still nothing official yet from Bromley, their website advising tickets are still on sale for the AFC Wimbledon game, although it did appear to be updated to show the Eastleigh match report this afternoon. So, as far as Bromley FC are concerned, its still Sunday. Perhaps if they close their eyes long enough it will all go away.
Tom Driscoll - Bromley reporter for News Shopper
Mark Goldberg has stuck his head above the turrets today though, speaking to the Bromley Happy Shopper. In an exclusive sure to decrease the number of those who immediately use the rag for cleaning up cat shit, Golberg admitted he HAD told Ivor Hellor if he was in charge he would have allowed a walk-in. But once he was sure the Dons fearsomely intimidating Commercial Director was out of earshot (48 hours later), Goldberg was straight on the phone to Happy Shoppers crack journo Tom Driscoll (an employee deemed so important his email address is listed as p.green@london.newsquest.co.uk… presumably the address of the person who wipes the saliva off his report, written on the back of the Beano in red crayon…)
In an article revealing just how sorry Goldberg is, entitled ‘Goldberg: AFC Wimbledon Players To Blame For Controversy’, Goldberg comes out with some stunning revelations in proper tabloid fashion, such as;
- In true Premier League style (you know, the same Premier League he used to be part of for five minutes until he realised even back then that his wallet wasn’t big enough to cope with the bigger boys…), Goldberg claimed he ‘didn’t see the incident’ as he was ‘making his way down from the stand’. Very Sam Alardyce. At least it shows he’s prepared to learn from the bigger managers.
- He insisted the blame lay squarely at the feet of AFC Wimbledon’s players after they ‘aggressivley confronted the Bromley bench’. I wonder what caused that? Could there possibly be a link between the two incidents?
- Goldberg revealed Parnham was forced into his position as ‘he had a water bottle thrown at his neck and was verbally abused by Tom Davis, as well as a number of other people’ Christ, Tom, if your going to throw a water bottle at someone, why aim for the neck? And presumably by ‘a number of other people’ he meant ‘ three quarters of the stadium’. Again, what could have caused this sudden hostility towards poor little Bromley?
- ‘But if you… have a water bottle thrown at your neck, all sportsmanship goes out of the window’. Does it? Whatever happened to rising above (supposed) provocation, whatever happened to the Corinithian Spirit, whatever happened to The Beautiful Game?
- ‘The incident itself could have been serious. I think it hit his chest but had it been an inch higher, it could have been very dangerous’. Yeah, Mark. It could have hit his shoulder. And we all know what a dangerous part of the body that is to receive a blow on. He might have had a dead arm and everything…
- Goldberg furiusly responded to Terry Browns comment that scorer Ryan Hall was a ‘flash boy’ and a ‘typical idiot’ in true playground fashion, declaring ‘(Hall) isn’t flash’ and ‘(Hall) is no idiot’. Later he was apparently heard to mention Browns mum was a slag…
I think what all this means, is we aren’t going to get an apology…
Now I have to turn my attention to some of the flak that has come Wimbledons way in the last couple of days. Because as far as Bromley fans are concerned black really is the new white, I thought it might be a good idea to recall some of the facts of the day, then translate them into Bromley-speak;
FACT – Some of the Wimbledon supporters in attandance were confident the team would get a result at Hayes Lane, due to the fact we were top of the league and Bromley had nothing to play for down in the bottom half.
BROMLEY – They were a load of Billy Big Bollocks… they just came here expecting to win.
FACT – When Wimbledon scored in the last minute, the players, supporters and management team were jubilant, celebrating the goal that in all probability would have won them the title.
BROMLEY – When they scored, all their management team came running on the pitch, really rubbing it in and everything… you would have thought they won the league or something…
FACT – Wimbledons Jay Conroy went down injured in the last minute, requiring several minutes attention to a suspected broken hand.
BROMLEY – it was an obvious time wasting ploy… what it was his hand now was it? I thought it was his head…
FACT – When Bromley returned the ball back to Wimbledon via the back of the net, this broke an unwritten rule that even the most uncouth Premiership stars accept as binding. This means Bromley cheated.
BROMLEY – Where does is say that in the rules then? There’s no rule that says we have to let you score. Why do you think that just because you’re AFC Wimbledon we have to let you score?
FACT – Tom Davis threw an empty plastic water bottle towards the bench in anger, without really looking where it would land.
BROMLEY – Tom Davis threw a sharpened weapon at our bench. This is complete justification for throwing out toys out of the pram and not doing the honest thing.
FACT – Wimbledon were slightly disappointed earlier in the day when Hayes and Yeading announced they would rest some players against Hampton, yet accepting we would have done the same in their position
BROMLEY – We couldn’t let you have a walk-in. It wouldn’t have been fair on Hampton, would it?
FACT – After the final whistle some Wimbledon supporters, in frustration, removed a small advertising hoarding and dropped it on the pitch behind the goal.
BROMLEY – AFC Wimbledon yobs trashed our ground and threw stuff at our players.
FACT – After the game, in the lane leading to the main road, the Bromley and Wimbledon supporters mixed and tensions ran high due to an apparent lack of sympathy from the Bromley supporters. Some fans took this attitude to mean they were proud of what their team had done, and acted in an aggresive manner towards the Bromley fans. For a while it looked like serious trouble might break out, before a number of Wimbledon fans stepped in to drag the hot-headed ones away,while the late arrival of the police ensured the lane remained trouble free.
BROMLEY – AFC thugs beat my children and raped my Granny.
FACT – AFC Wimbledon will go on to right this wrong by winning the title, maybe not this week, perhaps even next year or the year after, but eventually we will deservedly play in a national league once more, leaving smaller clubs like Bromley behind.
BROMLEY – Even though we will probably never play AFC Wimbledon again, we are very pleased they didn’t manage to beat us even though we cheated, because deep down we are very jealous of them.
That last point probably0 hit the nail on the head. Other comments to come from Bromley include the classic ‘We should have won anyway cos we dominated the second half, so it was only right we scored even if it was controversial’. In other words, football matches should be decided by territory. Goals should be abandoned, and the team that spent the most time near the opposition touchline should win. Or even worse, they came close to winning on a couple of occasions but failed due to to the profligacy of their forwards, for some reason they thought this was down to luck rather than lack of composure when it was most required, so when the ball ended up in the net, decided it would be a nice little reward. And it’ll wind Wimbledon up no end.
While I was researching this piece (the five minutes before when I was having a coffee) I came across this blog http://buzz.bournemouth.ac.uk/?p=3353&cpage=1#comment-282 which kind of sums the whole experience up in the way I had wished to, only in much fewer words.
Also I hope I didn’t encorage mindless Wikipedia vandalism… after yesterday, my attention has been drawn to this…
Although the page is now ten times more accurate, I’m sure the bods at Wikipedia won’t see it that way, and you know it gives them something else to complain about…
So have I finally managed to put this Bromley thing to bed? Well, yes I have. I hope you all had a laugh at Bromleys expense with this post, perhaps the most childish I have ever written (except that one in the early days, where it turns out Hampton have a natural advantage due to the way the Universe is created. Very Red Dwarf that one was…), but for me, I now have closure. I hope all of you can find some closure too. And by 5pm Saturday, we can be safe in the knowledge that we will never have to play them again.
I feel almost emotional now…
The Anonymous Don 